Absinthe - The Green Fairy

”With modern alchemy and old world magic, a new era of spirits is born.”

Today we are going to test something REALLY special, or maybe I should say unique (keep in mind though that this doesn't necessarily mean good)? I have tried A LOT of fake absinthes, but today we are going to tackle something really bad (as far as authenticity goes) the worst of the bad, the creme de la crap: Lyre´s Absinthe. ”What makes this absinthe worse than the other overpriced cocktails of sugars, essences and food colorings out there?” you ask? This one doesn’t even contain alcohol, it’s suposed to be an alcohol free absinthe (oh, the heresy!). I won't have to let this rest for a couple of months before I taste it, I doubt it will change character at all. In fact, it is not recommended that you drink this past 12 weeks after the bottle is opened (it might actually turn bad).



This ”absinthe is made by Lyre´s, a company that wants to do the impossible: make alcohol free spirits. Their slogan is ”Lyre´s, impossibly crafted non-alcoholic spirits”. Unlike with most of the other absinthes I review here, I won’t make a post about the distillery/company, partly because I’m not interested enough and partly because I doubt I’ll ever buy anything from them again. They seem to be stationed in England but they sell to a lot of different countries (Sweden included). I'm not sure if you can call an alcohol free spirit a spirit anymore, it seems like nut free nuts to me. But that’s their business anyway, and they have made a substitute for most basic spirits there is, making it possible to make a non-alcoholic version of pretty much any drink.



This time I looked up the profile of what I’m about to put in my mouth, something I don't usually do (I’m better baited with words like ”limited edition” or pretty labels). According to Lyre´s website it tastes of verbena, anise and other herbs, on the bottle they add licorice and lemon as well. Can’t help but to notice they left wormwood and fennel out. All in all it’s suposed to taste a bit candy-like. The description of the aroma I like better: licorice, anise, lemon, candy (!) and herbs such as nettles, fennel and wormwood (there we go). I also came across the list of ingredients used to make this:

Water, Sugar, Glucose Syrup, Natural Flavouring, Acidity Regulator (Citric Acid), Brilliant Blue Colour (E133), Stabiliser (Cellulose Gum (E466)), Preservative (Potassium Sorbate).



Now, let´s talk a bit about the packaging. This might be one of the most stylish bottles I’ve ever bought! The label is dark green (a bit darker than the drink inside) and the picture and text is made in gold. They are using stylish, vintage fonts and the corners are decorated in a swirling, pre-ban-like pattern, very fancy! The picture is almost as fancy, it’s a frog drawn in the style of one of the pictures you can find in antique medical-books. It (the frog) has a bowtie, a top-hat and is in the process of catching small green fairies *lol*. Around the neck of the bottle sits a neckless of the same dark green paper, displaying the symbol of the company: a bird (possible a peacock?) in a top-hat. There is also a lot of text on the label, but my favorite is the one I opened this review with. If this drink is half as tasty as the bottle is pretty, then this is better than a lot of genuine absinthe out there ;) Let’s have a taste!

Aged: No
Distillery: Lyre´s
ABV: 0.0%
Category: Verte
Real/Fake: Superfake
Origin: England



Color and Louche: As you red above, this color comes in a bottle and goes by the name of E133, aka ”brilliant blue colour”. Actually it’s just as blue as it is green and it´s thinner than DJ Qualls´ arms. There is absolutely no louche at all, but that’s not really a surprise since it doesn’t contain any oils.

Aroma: In Sweden we have a special toothpaste, it’s blue (brilliant blue?) and has a very famous comic book character on the packaging, a bear called Bamse. This toothpaste taste a bit like candy to make it more appealing to kids. This drink smells the same, maybe a touch of pear soda as well.

Taste: The taste is INCREDIBLY weak, like you dissolved a gummy bear in a liter of water. I had hoped that, if not good, at least it would be intense, but this little fairy-wannabe taste like it has been diluted with at least 15 parts water. It doesn’t taste the way it smells, I’d say it’s mostly pear soda but with less sugar and not sparkling. I wonder if that is a good or a bad thing? I could chug it all if it wasn’t for that about 10 seconds after I swallowed I get a spicy heat in my throat. That makes me think it wouldn’t be such a bright idea to down 0,7 liter at once, I might get a hole in my abdomen or spend the night in the bathroom, craping my intestens to oblivion.



Final thoughts: Lyre´s intent have been to do the impossible, to create alcohol free spirits, so that even people that doesn’t drink can join in the merriment of drinking. However, I’d say this is all about image, a product that let you say ”I drink, I just don’t drink alcohol”. You can go up to a bar and order a drink and be accepted in the environment without having to compromise your values. But guess what, you can do that without Lyre´s drinks. I feel this is a bit like mens hygiene products: it’s advertised ”for men” as to save our macho egos, but the stuff inside is pretty much the same as in women’s products or unisex products. This product says ”I’m no milkdrinker, I’m drinking booze, it’s just alkohol free”. Before I started drinking alcohol in the late 2015 I went with my classmates (during my university years) to bars and ordered a soda or a glass of milk. Yes, the milk earned me some amused remarks from the bartender, but since it normally wasn’t on the menu I got it for free (”Hello, my name is Fredrik and I'm a milkdrinker”). My point being that you can drink non-alcoholic without paying €27 for something that doesn’t taste anything like the spirit it is suposed to mimic. Hell, if you are worried about what other people will think, just order a Cola and say that it’s a Coke and Rum, or buy an alcohol free beer. I don't think that Lyre´s products are anymore spirits then any of all the soft drinks out there, but it sounds better and helps them sell their products. That doesn’t mean that you won’t like them though (by all means, try them), but don't fool yourself as to what you are drinking.

So, back to the drink. Of course I didn’t expect this to be anything like absinthe, but I had hoped for a stronger taste. I’m not sure if you know what Fun Light is? It’s a kids drink that is so concentrated that it should be diluted with 10 parts water before you drink it. I had hoped for this to be something like that, so if I didn’t want to drink alcohol I could still prepare it the same way you do absinthe, which honestly is a big part of the charm of drinking absinthe. I once had a ”sober inebriation” with Fun Light during my late teens, maybe I’ll tell you that story some time. The color was to weak, and looked very artificial, it didn’t taste anything like absinthe, it didn’t smell anything like absinthe and there were small, soft flakes swimming around in the bottle that made it look a bit dirty. I wouldn’t recommend this to any absinthe drinker, but you could always hand a glass or two to your kids. The Lyre´s absinthe gets a 0,5 rating from me and a fat WTF-stamp on the ass.